It’s amazing how you can feel so good about yourself one day and then something seemingly insignificant can change it all in a flash.
For the past two weeks I have been feeling great about my physical abilities and even how I look in the mirror.
My running has been going great (I ran my 6 mile run on Saturday almost 2 minutes faster than the week before).
I wasn’t out-of-breath after climbing the hill while searching for the perfect tree on Saturday. I actually stopped to check in with myself because it was kind of hard for me to believe that I felt so good especially considering I was packing around a 12 lb baby.
I haven’t been hating pictures of myself. Mind you all of them have been self-portraits and I am positive that I look smaller than I really am in a self-portraits.
Then Sunday afternoon happened.
I was tired and wanted coffee.
This lead to having a store-bought, sugar-laden muffin with my coffee.
It also meant that I didn’t drink enough water that day.
Then I saw a copy of the family pictures we had taken on Saturday.
I immediately zoned in on myself, instead of what a beautiful pictures it is, and started putting myself down.
“I look disgusting.”
“Look at that double chin.”
“I look huge.”
“Is that really what I look like.”
And the list goes on.
Andrew hates when I talk this way, and rightfully so.
He is always the first to remind me that the whole thing is a process.
That that one picture is just a single moment in time and doesn’t reflect who I will be in the weeks and months to come.
For this I love him.
But it is still difficult to look at myself in a loving way when I honestly don’t truly love what I see right now.
I know I am making the necessary changes and that the results will show over time.
I am already moving down in my clothing size. The number on the scale is slowly moving down. My running is improving with every step I take.
I look at my daughter and know I do not want her growing up with a mom who is constantly putting herself down.
With a mom who fixates on the negative instead of focusing on the positive.
With a mom who has all the love in the world for her family but little for herself.
This isn’t anything new for me and is something I constantly have to work at. It’s not like there is a switch I can turn on and off but I’m working on keeping the self-hate in the off position.
My feelings about that picture spilled over to Monday. Combined with the fact that the scale went up a couple of numbers meant Monday was not a good day.
I ate like crap, which meant I felt like crap.
I let that day happen.
I think it needed to happen.
Monday reminded me that I feel better mentally and physically when I take care of myself.
Those days are going to happen but it’s what I choose to learn from them that counts.
And I can’t let past decisions dictate what I am going to do today.
I have to acknowledge the behaviour and then move on.
Because after all, it’s a process.
“Living in the Moment” is one of my favourite Jason Mraz songs. I love the message and I listen to it at least once a day.
My favourite verse is this one:
I’m letting myself off the hook for things I’ve done
I let my past go past
And now I’m having more fun
I’m letting go of the thoughts
That do not make me strong
And I believe this way can be the same for everyone
Let’s all try to live in the moment a little more.
Even if we do not necessarily like the moment we are in.
The thing about the picture is that even though I don’t like how I look in it, I still love it.
We are all happy, it is styled perfectly, and it is the first picture of all of us together.
It took me four-months to step in front of the camera again, and it may take me another four-months to do it gain, but it’s what happens in between that matters.